how I feel about the borderline hating me and pushing me away

So, I'm not allowed to tell my shrink how I feel. If I do they can take away my freedom. So, instead I fill out their little forms and tell them mostly how I feel.

I tell them it's because the man I love tells me he hates me, baits and switches stuff. Picks a fight then freezes me out for months.

My shrink says I'm just depressed. He says I don't have PTSD even when I told him i was severely abused and neglected and went to school with broken arms and black eyes, he still says I look sane.

I ask him if I should be locked up somewhere and he says, no, you are sane.

But I don't feel sane. I didn't when my sister was abusing me and i certainly don't now. The people I love hate me. there is like nothing to be done about it. And it makes me obsess on how if I were different they might like me.

But, i'm not in the habit of catering to what others want. Though it makes me lonely, I am authentic.

Anyone knows who grows up in severe abuse that you learn to present as sane so the shame of being harmed by your own family won't haunt you at school. You want to be liked, so you make excuses about your black eyes and stuff you can't really tell anyone.

but, when i fight with Control Guy --- he tells me:

If i ask about his mother--that I want her dead and in fact wish her dead and am laughing at her being sick.

If i ask about facebook---something very triggering to him ---- it is indicative of me being a bad person, one who hates him and hates everything in the world except for facebook.

When I say, If you are seeing someone, it's cool, but we can be friends, he says: you know goddamn well I'm not dating and not able to date and you are making fun of me and I hope you die and you deserve to die.

all of this is peppered with him telling me my face is ugly my body is ugly and i have enough "fans" on facebook and instagram.

This makes me feel like dying. because it's so irrational, and he is dead serious.

What do i do about someone who hates me? I've reasoned with him, but his hate for me persists. He took me to the Cure only because I made a piece of art and it was him cut out and placed on a cat and i posted it all over town taking photos of it. Because, his reasons are so irrational, he hates me for no good reason. I felt he should have a reason. (still I took all the photos down immediately--I just put them up for the photo) It got him to like me for two seconds, but then hate me again.

How does this special hatred feel? terrible. Awful. Disgusting. Is it my fault? maybe. that's the part that hurts. If i wasn't me, he wouldn't hate me.

What to do When They hate you

I fell for a guy. He hates me right now, which is retarded because I never did anything but like him---OKAY--no. I did the craziest things to this guy you will ever hear about and they all worked.

In another post I will give you my secrets, tell on myself and let you know what I did that worked. It didn't help make someone love me but it helped me feel I wasn't just standing by getting the emotional shit kicked out of me.

So, Currently Control guy hates me. I call him Control guy because everything he does has to do with control. He was abused and he went through horrors worse than my own. And i might tell you mine but I don't want to tell his, except to say it was so fucking bad and he is still sad and scared and I totally understand that.

But, he hates me. And when i try to talk to him and get him to not hate me, he threatens me. So, what I've learned is, he most likely cannot ever be in a relationship with me just because I'm too alive and ask too much and am too much. But, that doesn't mean I'm not great.

It just means, when he is irrationally hating me, it's not my fault and any letters saying I'm sorry actually make his hatred worse.

So, when they leave, let them. Say okay sister, see you later. Have nice life and I will too. You know the last time i said that after he told me I ruined everything he goes:
You didn't ruin it, I'm just messed up.

See? So, just do nothing.

Don't be crazy like me. Which means opening a ton of fake emails to contact them. Just forget about it for awhile. Let them hate you. It isn't even real. they think it is, but hate is just the flip side of love, it denotes the strongest feelings you can have. So literally don't care. Write to me here. Seriously. Say whatever it is. Just don't write to them.

In my next post I will tell you what to do to entertain yourself while they are gone.

The Borderline Male and How Much It hurts When they Hate you.

Hi guys,

First of all, if you made it here you must be hurting, feeling confused and crazy.
Unlike all the other blogs about the borderline male, I am going to say opposite things. I don't think it's just about the Cassanova syndrome and they only want you when they can't have you.

I have only dated males with Borderline Disorder three times and they were the most painful times of my life. One still stalks me and still hates me---is angry at me that I am a writer, one is on heroin and the other is still around when he isn't in punishment mode.

I am not a mental health professional and I am not someone on the internet who will claim I know how to get the person you love to stop hurting you. I just wanted to start writing about it so I have a place to say things, you can say things too and we can feel all alone together.

But... for my first post, I want to say, I too have Borderline Personality Disorder. And that said, these are just my opinions on being one and dating them.

So, if you are hurting, please know I'm going to say the opposite of what 99 percent of the people say out there.

My main two questions when dealing with being split black were and are--did they ever love me and will I ever hear from them again.

So, in answer to both yes, they did love and care about you and yes you will hear from them again. So, stop everything you are doing right now. Just calm down.

Yes, they did care and most likely still do. YES. I swear it. I saw mine recently after he gave me the silent treatment for months. He took me to see the Cure, then hated me and blocked me again. But, it's nothing I'm doing. It's something about me that triggers their early childhood abandonment fears.

So, you trigger them to go into hate and silent scorn and all that. Not because you are bad or unlovable. But, because of their childhoods and to lose you would be too painful, so they hate you and push you away. Sometimes to see if you will chase them and sometimes because you make them feel things they aren't prepared to feel. 

So, for me--what was always important to know was that my ex ever cared about me. And the honest truth is I always hear from them again (the second most important thing to calm me down).

So, don't buy any books. There are no manipulation tactics that work.

But, I want to tell you what I go through, and what I've done to stay on the planet while dealing with my few exes with this disorder.

And, I wanted to help someone else understand they are not alone. Post two will tell you exactly what to do when they hate you.